{"id":1638,"date":"2020-06-16T03:18:15","date_gmt":"2020-06-16T03:18:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/caninemegaesophagusinfo.com\/staging\/?p=1638"},"modified":"2020-06-16T03:41:33","modified_gmt":"2020-06-16T03:41:33","slug":"1638","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/caninemegaesophagusinfo.com\/index.php\/2020\/06\/16\/1638\/","title":{"rendered":"Coping With Grief – The Sad passing of Kodi Challender"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

April <\/strong>10th 2016, Sunday<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The decision was made. It was time to give Kodi rest. He was struggling to breathe. According to our ER visit the night before, his O2 was down to 90%. His red blood cell count and platelets were plummeting. He was too weak to stand. He refused his food. Dogs do their best to hide their pain but we knew from his eyes that he was suffering. I could not relieve his pain. Neither Bob nor I could bear that he be in pain. Cancer had won.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bob carried him out to the car. We intended on going to his favorite places for one last look but he was too weak. When Bob picked him up he had nothing left. He was essentially paralyzed from weakness. I spent the next hour and a<\/p>\n\n\n\n

half stroking his fur and telling him how much we loved him in the back seat of the car.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you spend every waking moment and countless sleepless nights, thinking and worrying about how to keep your special needs dog alive and healthy and then you\u2019re faced with making the decision to end his life, the thought of it is devastating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We stopped at our daughter\u2019s house so her family and Lucy, their dog, could say goodbye. Laura had been his caregiver when we went away. Her dog Lucy gave him one last nose to nose adoring sniff. Laura\u2019s twin 4 year old boys and husband gave him some love and off we went to the vets for our 59th and last official visit. Laura came along to offer comfort, love and support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bob stopped the car at the door and went inside to make arrangements. Laura and I and Kodi waited. He explained we didn\u2019t need triage. We were here to give our dog eternal rest. He fielded the questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Did we want him cremated after the procedure? If so did we choose to have him mixed with other dogs or by himself? Were we to pick up the remains or have them shipped? This question was so odd to me. I couldn\u2019t imagine Kodi going through the postal system. Did we want a post mortem done? Bob decided it was best that they didn\u2019t do this. Mostly he felt that way because if they found something that could have been easily remedied we would have had insurmountable guilt with our decision to give him rest. I couldn\u2019t have agreed more. Later he questioned himself. Could what they have found helped vet students to learn? I still believe for our sake he made the right decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were ushered into an exam room. It was quiet in the hallways since it was Sunday and no-one was in this part of the building. Bob laid Kodi down on a quilt on the floor that they had provided. We were told we could spend as much time as we needed with him. We snuggled with him on the floor and told him what a good boy he was and how much we loved him. We all petted him and reassured him he was a good boy. I could have lain with him all afternoon stroking his beautiful fur and speaking loving whispers in his ears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was time though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the vet returned to the room I pleaded with him, \u201cis there anything else we can do?\u201d <\/em>I was close to hysterical. The doctor said, in the most compassionate way, I think Kodi is telling us it is time. Later Bob said I was brave. I didn\u2019t feel like I was brave at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The vet explained the procedure to us and apologized for one last stick of a needle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kodi lifted his head long enough to give me one last puppy kiss to dry my tears before he was sent off to heaven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was so fast. The sedative went in and then the medicine to stop the heart. In seconds he was gone. With one hand over his abdomen I felt his respiration stop. I cried is he gone? The doctor checked with his stethoscope to confirm. I laid there next to him, stroking his soft fur and cried, almost having to be pried away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt like I was in shock. I grasped his harness that was caked with his fur. I stroked it all the way home as if I was running my fingers through his fur. I cried. I whaled actually and then retreated into silence. Bob, not given the opportunity to express his grief, internalized his grief causing stomach pain and a head ache. The last pass at the liquor store before home, he said do you need anything? Some tequila I rationalized, it helps me to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We entered into a quiet house. No Kodi to greet us. No sounds of his feet scuffling across the floor. There, were all of his things, his bowls, his toys, his bed but no Kodi. The tequila was poured.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I sat outside on the deck alone with my tequila, drowning my sorrows. The sun shone on my face with a warm embrace. Instead of sadness, memories of good days flooded my mind. Oh what a cute fat, roly-poly puppy he was when we brought him home at just 2 months of age. The stories unfolded in my brain. The happiness he brought us as a family. The happiness he brought to others. He was an extraordinary dog. As the tequila resonated in my brain, it became obvious to me I needed to share his whole story with others. My husband then insisted that I eat and then I passed out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 1 Monday Morning Quarter Backing April 11, 2016<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The morning after. My day always began and ended with Kodi. He would be staring at me with sleepy eyes on the floor at the foot of our bed. I would say…time to get up my sleepy head. He would follow me into the kitchen and wait for me to have my coffee on the couch. Then I would say, it\u2019s time for your morning treat (pills actually in treats). After breakfast we would go for a nice long walk through the neighborhood. This was our ritual for years. This day, we awoke without Kodi.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We began to ask the questions. Did we do the right thing? Oh God like a bad hangover. Did this really happen yesterday?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bob stayed home from work, which was hard for him. I had to go out on the road, which was easier for me. When I came through that door to find no Kodi, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Bob had already experienced the pain all day long. No-one to help him eat his ham and cheese sandwich. No one to cuddle up with. I had all that time to think in the car while being away. I began to question everything that happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why didn\u2019t I ask more questions? Maybe I should have let them keep him that night at the ER? I blamed myself over and over. What ifs flooded my brain. Bob was a rock. He knew this was the best we could do for Kodi. That night I slept with two toys that Kodi loved. It had his scent on them. I could smell him again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 2 T<\/strong>uesday April 12, 2016<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Bob went back to work. He struggled. Many messages to me asking how I was. It was a distraction for me to work. Riding in the car with the car windows open a flood of Kodi hairs engulfed me. One single hair fell onto my pants as I was driving. It was that special white hair that came from his neck that had that little curl to it. I picked it up and rubbed it along side of my check. It felt like his whiskers were rubbing against me. I felt some comfort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I cried out many times for God to bring him back to me, healthy and alive. I pleaded with God and said I would do anything to see my boy again. While driving I thought I saw him many times by the roadside. I would have to stop and look more closely. When things didn\u2019t materialize as I imagined, I began to think that I should come to him in heaven. That frightened me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That night Bob and I talked. He told me how he was upset about some family members not reaching out to him after it was clear that they knew of Kodi\u2019s death. He told me he felt I thought it was all about Kodi and me. He wanted me to know he had suffered great loss. I realized I didn\u2019t give Bob the opportunity to grieve. He was so worried about me and I had not thought enough about the terrible loss he was encountering. Kodi was so in love with Bob. He was his master and I was merely his girlfriend. It became clear to me that we were both suffering with Kodi\u2019s death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I began to read. The vet had supplied us with resources to help us deal with the grieving process. Many of my thoughts and some of Bob\u2019s concerns were outlined in the material provided. It became apparent that we were not alone in our feelings. This gave us great comfort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Day 3 Wednesday April 13, 2016<\/strong> – Picking up the Ashes<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

I was anxious to get Kodi home. I had actually called a day earlier to see if it had been done. Somehow I thought it would give me closure. I felt I would have \u201chim home\u201d at last. Instead, it left me disappointed. It wasn\u2019t what I had pleaded with God to do. I wanted him back whole, beautiful and healthy. Not in a box of ashes. A lot of tears, and sad ballads were played on the way home. When Bob came home, we opened the box and decided we would create a space on the fireplace mantle with his picture. We would have him buried with us when we die.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moving forw<\/strong>ard<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

We have the greatest support group in the world (in my opinion) with the Canine Megaesophagus FaceBook Groups. The day Kodi died there were literally hundreds of messages and posts about our boy. His picture was everywhere. People made Kodi\u2019s picture their profile picture. We received flowers and cards in the mail. I can\u2019t say enough about how good this all made us feel. We were not alone in our grief. They were grieving and celebrating Kodi along with us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sadly, many people do not have this kind of support when they lose a companion pet. I have a great friend in rescue, Michele Allen<\/strong>, who had some interesting words of wisdom. She runs Monkey\u2019s House A Dog\u2019s Hospice and Sanctuary<\/strong>. She said,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe grief you are experiencing is about the worst<\/em> kind there is. When you have a special needs dog<\/em> that you pretty much set your schedule around and<\/em> they have beat the odds so many times, it’s hard to<\/em> actually believe they are gone, and when you start<\/em> to worry or think about him and then realize you don’t<\/em> have to worry because they are gone, it just adds<\/em> insult to injury. This phase is REALLY hard.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She suggested I find a way to honor Kodi when we are ready. It might be a good way to ease the pain. I have read some other suggestions as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n